Honky Tonkitis

Here's where you talk to the band

Jukebox

In a surprise move Tuesday, Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker announced he was cutting off funds for honky tonk band, Honky Tonkitis.

"I've warned the group over and over that they needed to start writing better songs. I even gave them a $1.25 million tax incentive to write better songs. And what have they done? Written some more crappy songs about drinking beer."

The band seemed unprepared for this turnabout by Wisconsin's governor.

"I know we'd been getting a monthly check for $1.57," lead singer Johnny Maplewood commented, "and that I'd get a five percent discount every time I shopped at Wal-Mart. I just thought that was happenstance, or a smiley-faced special or something."

The Governor continued the get-tough attitude in his speech: "The days of honky tonk welfare are over. If you're not willing to work with this administration, you will find your honky tonk band at the end of a very long line. Going forward, we are doubling taxes on all beer purchased by members of this group. Let that be a lesson to others who continue to spurn us."

"We had hoped the band would listen and move in more of a George Jones musical direction as we had suggested. Well, I'm here to say, I've got at least four George Jones albums and have seen him in concert. You, my friends, are no George Jones."

Accordion player Don Turner had this to say: "I was using that buck-fifty-seven to buy Ramen noodles at the Wal-Mart every month! And now the price of my Pabst has doubled? If that doesn't get us sounding like George Jones, I don't know what will!"

Scott Walker