Honky Tonkitis

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Randy Travis appeared before reporters Thursday to make a long-awaited apology to the people of America. 

"I've made some big mistakes in my life, many I wish I could take back. Naked drunken driving wasn't so smart. Threatening to kill police officers was probably not a high point in my life. But I can't begin to say how truly sorry I am that I would drunkenly friend Honky Tonkitis on Facebook. To my fans, to the people who have enjoyed my music, to all patriotic Americans, I say: please forgive me."

As sorry as he was in his apology, Travis insisted even the Friending was an honest mistake.

"I was just trying to undo that stupid timeline feature on my Facebook page. I don't know if it was the tequila or the brandy or the gin or the whiskey or the moonshine or the wine spritzers, but suddenly I'm friends with that band. And I can tell you, I didn't have a good time."

Singer Johnny Maplewood was not surprised by the apology.

"It's kind of amazing how often the band hears this 'drunken friending' excuse. From Lindsey Lohan to David Hasselhoff to Garry Busey to Charlie Sheen to Eddie Van Halen to Paris Hilton to Mel Gibson to Mickey Rourke, we must appear much more attractive once you're drunk."

When asked if this kind of behavior ever hurt his feelings, Maplewood said, "From celebrities I don't know and have never met? Not really. What hurts is the drunken Friending and sober de-Friending by members of this band. Hell, even I've done it twice."

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Travis: Forever and ever unfriend?